Love~Hate

If you believe that there is balance in the world then you have to believe that all opposite forces on this earth need to come from the same source; so too with love and hate. The two are intrinsically linked. Hate is actually an expression of love. Meaning: How deeply someone can hate another can only run as deeply as he loves them. (In the case of hating someone who harmed a person that you love, you can hate them only as much as you love the victim.)

Love and Hate are equally passionate emotions and how can you be passionate about something you couldn't care less about?

I pretty much have an interest in all things and tend to be a passionate person by nature, but one thing I have never had much interest in is cars.

Some people are obsessed with them, they know every make and model, how much each car costs and all its features and highlights…. I wouldn’t know a Jeep from a Ferrari.

As hard as you push me, I probably won’t end up in a passionately fought argument over a car with you. I couldn’t care less. If you say the car is a Ferrari, then I trust you. And if you’re wrong- I really couldn’t be bothered. ‘Whatever, say what you want about my car- tell me it’s a piece of crap for all I care, It won’t hurt me.’ It can’t hurt me- I don’t care enough to put my heart on it.

A real car lover, is going to rally back at you with every conceivable defense for the car in question. They will rant and rave and even bet money that they are right.

Not me… Because I don’t have enough positive passion to generate negative passion.

...because I don’t love enough to hate.

Because something I don't care about, can’t hurt me.

If I really don’t care even a little about impressing someone- if I don’t put my heart on them at all, I couldn’t care less what they think of me. There is nothing they can say that will hurt me.

They can say the meanest , most terrible thing, they can go against everything I believe in… and I may only defend as strongly as I care about the subject in question.

A small child has an enemy in class… why does he not like the other kid? Not because he simply hates the other… but because children naturally attempt to bond with the people around them, especially other children. So when this child tries to bond with his classmate but is met with obstinacy and rudeness… his emotions now transfer from Love= longing- wanting- hoping, to hate= frustration- pain- not understanding.

So too, people take for granted how much they are loved by others. Until a person hurts someone he loves and sees the pain flash across their eyes, he doesn’t recognize or appreciate how much that person must have loved him… trusted him, counted on him, expected from him.

You can’t be betrayed by someone you never trusted. And it would be stupid to trust someone who we know will betray us. Unfortunately, as humans, we are prone to doing just that.

This is why the deepest wound, the worst pain we could experience, is one inflicted by the ones closest to us… By the people we love.

These gashes run so deep that we sometimes can’t move on. People can die inside because of the trauma of pain they experience from a loved one. If a child who is abused by his parent had no affection for the abuser- or should we say trust even… expectations per say- then he is not going to have any lasting trauma from it. He will not lose faith and trust in humanity, he will not stop loving and reaching out to other people.

Only the child who loves the abuser and keeps hoping that somehow he will be able to win their love and affection, will be forever traumatized by the betrayal, disappointment, and pain.

And isn’t it the worst thing to find out that for the rest of your life, you can hate your ex-best friend for betraying your trust, more than you ever hated the suicide bomber responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent men women and children?

It’s pretty heavy… it makes you recognize the responsibility you are entrusted with in every relationship.

So, Keep your friends close- they could become your worst enemies.

Good Vs Evil

In movies, somehow, good always triumphs over evil. But in reality, this isn't so. Why is it that bad things happen to good people, and the bad people prosper? Why does one person sacrifice their entire world for something they believe in, and yet others are more than willing to change in order to stay comfortable. What gives them the right to nullify the self sacrifice of those who suffer in this world?

...Everything

This is why the human race is so powerful.

Every person born into this world- different but equal, has free will. He chooses his own path and walks it for as long as he lives. A person has the G-d given right to choose good over evil or evil over good.

I find myself saying to many people recently that I don't believe in the sage old saying, "Good things happen to good people". We see all around us bad people getting everything that they want... and we see good people going through earth shattering tragedies. If doing the wrong thing is not only more fun and exciting but also more prosperous, than why would anyone want to be good?

Recently I had ta major struggle with this question. It went a little deeper trhan just that.

My question was not just "why choose good", it was "why choose good when the people around you think that you are evil?"

If everyone thinks a person is a thief then its very easy for the person to tell themself that, for them, being good doesn't make any difference. 'I'm still a theif in their eyes.' He/she may be so hurt and under so much pressure that he/she simply chooses to live up to everyone's expectations of him.

So I was going through a bit of a life crisis which forced me to think about this question long and hard. Although i knew the answer all along I wasn't able to ready accept and internalize it until it hit me in the face.

The way I see it; One who does good only does it for one reason- because he or she believes that there is a greater purpose in this world. Whether or not they believe in G-d is irrelevant. But without a grain of uncertainty they believe that there is a some reason that they are doing what they do, something they gain from it.

Even if that purpose is as mundane as finding pleasure in the hapiness and affection of another. For doing evil can only be a product of pure selfishness.

I personally believe that there is a G-d. For one who believes in G-d the answer is obvious.

Who cares what everyone esle thinks? G-d see's everything and that's all that matters.

The problem with believers is that they don't always believe as much as they think they do... mainly b/c there is not an immediate comforting reaction.

We can't see G-d nod His head in approval..

we can't feel Him put his hand on our shoulder, or whisper encouraging words in our ear.

He doesn't apear and give us a big hug and then tell us how proud He is with all we are striving for.

We can't see Him smile, or hear the words " I love you, my child".

Its hard for any type of person to internalize something they can't see. I guess I was lucky that the realization of G-d's love did hit me in the face just a few days later in a most interesting way. With this realization also came the appreciation of all the unusual and abundant love I constanly feel from the people around me. It was as if my eyes had been opened and the mist totally cleared from my vision. I could see how trully blessed i am.

That caused me to look around and reassess my question.

What i discovered was simple but sometimes easy to overlook. The people who choose evil, wrong, pain, fear, lies, deception... they may get everything they want sometimes but they will never have what i have- Love.

Money, fame, power- they all fade and a person who once gloried in them, is left to feel alone and meaningless.

Because friends can't be bought, as soon as the money runs out they are gone.

Power corrupts and Fame misleads.

These people, end up with no one. They never get to feel true love.

True love lasts but it takes commitment and sometimes a bit of maintenance. It takes caring about the people around you and stepping outside of yourself. It takes loving somebody and then keeping your heart open to feeling loved in return.

So essentially the answer to the question is; being good is not just about scoring brownie points in heaven- its about paving the way for G-d to give you everything that really matters. A priceless and irreplacable gift.

Personally, I've decided to embrace it.

Be good and be loved. I think that's a fair trade :)

Esdee Kay

Nothingness

Today I took a walk. It was a bit of a long walk… on which I contemplated the emptiness that has been taking over my life. I haven’t felt anything in weeks. The numbness is strange to me. I feel not angry, resentful, happy, sad, excited, fulfilled, relieved, anxious… nothing. Just- nothing. A flat line. I am flat-lining, plunging into a pit of nothingness. Everywhere I look is empty.

I know not who I am, or where I’m going, what I’m looking for nor what I want.

And yet- somehow, deep deep down, I know that this feeling of emptiness is a façade. It doesn’t exist… I have family, true friends, religion, goals, dreams, wants, needs. So this so-called ‘nothingness’ is merely a figment of my imagination, a mirage that my mind has conjured up to hide something else.

And although I don’t know for sure what that thing is… I have some ideas.

Potential and Self Worth

There are many people in this world whom I, at times, fancy murdering. But there is only one person I could get… that their death would put a stop to all the pain.

Both an enemy… and a friend.

An ally….. and a terrorist.

I’m talking about me.

We are each our own worst enemies. We tear ourselves to ribbons with self doubt, poor self image, bad self esteem, phobia’s, fears of the unknown, new, or un-attempted…. and then when we’ve left ourselves nothing but a shell of who we could be- and afterward we walk away, resigned to a fate we subconsciously choose over the responsibility of greatness. We leave for ourselves the internal death of our glorious potentials, never even knowing that we had it.

And subsequently not knowing that we have the ability to restore what was.

On Losing a Friend

"Friendships break... They never die. They just change shape through changing eyes." Kineret

I have recently broke off a very important friendship in my life. For a good and justified reason, things could not have continued the way they were. But now that I have done what was necessary, I can't help but feel this constant sickening sense of loss.

I have lost a friend.

When I think about it I realize that labeling a person as 'a friend' makes the relationship seem so much more insignificant than it actually is. When you aren't close to a person who you once considered a friend, you have lost so much more than just the person. You lose a teacher, mentor, role model, challenger, fellow conspirator, confidant..... moral support, emotional support. The list goes on. Sometimes, you don't even know who you are without them.

Losing a friend is not like losing any other thing. Its more painful... and yet so much more comforting. A broken friendship is like losing a part of oneself. But at the same time, when we lose a friend we also get to keep a lot of them with us. We are not the same person as who we would be if we had never known them. As the famous saying goes, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I am a firm believer of this concept. When we offer our hearts and minds to another in exchange for a totally new perspective and different idea's then we gain so much more than we stand to lose.

So, although not being friends anymore saddens me to distraction, I feel glad to have known someone so special and to have deserved their attention, affection, and goodwill.

Conquering the Darkness

In dark of night
In shadows keep
How bright this light does shine
It casts a glow
That chase away
The troubled hearts confine

The sun is up
Its colors stretch
Until each hill of gold
And as it does
Bring warmth upon
The floor of forest cold

Its time, it leaves
Recedes behind
Horizons vast expanse
And though its gone
I yet have hope
So grabbed a fleeting chance

I know tonight
The shadows flee
They do not dare to start
For in this dark
I keep a drop
Of light inside my heart

Esdee Kay

I wrote this about love, but it goes for any situation in life.
When we are in the dark about something, its as if the shadows are closing in on us and its hard to feel good about the world because all we see is the darkness that surrounds us.
But there are ups and downs in life. Every time life is about to plunge us back into the darkness, we have the choice to seize that chance.
To grab a bit of light to take back with us. That way our world will never be completely black.
Internal light is so powerful only because nobody can take it away from us unless we let them.

The power is ours to wield if only we reach out and take it.

Jack Johnson - Better Together

My Knight in Shining Armor

Who are you- my love? Are you a knight in shining armor or just a man wearing my personalized suit… ill fitted and forced upon your proud shoulders; that burst forth to swallow a doubtful heart?

If you’ll only open my eyes, for I am blinded by the stunning reflection of the sun across your gleaming mail. How can I see clearly when you obviously maintain and polish this image- not take it back surely! For even if I had wanted to, even to the point of sullying mine own honor- how could my raging heart, that beats wildly within my breast, continue to pump the life sustaining hot blood of love that alone pulses through my very veins?

For just as my knight is merely just a man that bears the illusion of mine suffering mind, I am but a sham wrapped around the network of love that depends upon that very illusion to give life. So perhaps, if we are both depending upon the very same suit of armor to cast ourselves out of the darkness, than we two are truly of a sole mind and can therefore bear the suit successfully… as one.

A Woman's Day

A women’s day is spent fixing up mistakes that others made, and cleaning messes that others left. She appeases those who are distraught and listens attentively to those who need to rant. She spends her time trying to improve the lives of those less fortunate than she, and carries burdens that she may never share. But at the end of the day, even if nobody stopped to appreciate what she’s done, she feels good about all she’s accomplished- and is already planning for tomorrow.

Esdee Kay

In movies, somehow, good always triumphs over evil. But in reality, this isn't so. Why is it that bad things happen to good people, and the bad people prosper? Why does one person sacrifice their entire world for something they believe in, and yet others are more than willing to change in order to stay comfortable. What gives them the right to nullify the self sacrifice of those who suffer in this world?

...Everything

This is why the human race is so powerful.

Every person born into this world- different but equal, has free will. He chooses his own path and walks it for as long as he lives. A person has the G-d given right to choose good over evil or evil over good.

I find myself saying to many people recently that I don't believe in the sage old saying, "Good things happen to good people". We see all around us bad people getting everything that they want... and we see good people going through earth shattering tragedies. If doing the wrong thing is not only more fun and exciting but also more prosperous, than why would anyone want to be good?

Recently I had ta major struggle with this question. It went a little deeper trhan just that.

My question was not just "why choose good", it was "why choose good when the people around you thinks that you are evil?"

If everyone thinks a person is a thief then its very easy for the person to tell themself that, for them, being good doesn't make any difference. I'm still a theif in their eyes. He/she may be so hurt and under so much pressure that he/she simply chooses to live up to everyone's expectations of him.

So I was going through a bit of a life crisis which forced me to think about this question long and hard. Although i knew the answer all along I wasn't able to really accept and internalize it until it hit me in the face.

The way I see it; One who does good only does it for one reason- because he or she believes that there is a greater purpose in this world. Whether or not they believe in G-d is irrelevant. But without a grain of uncertainty they believe that there is a some reason that they are doing what they do, something they gain from it.

Even if that purpose is as mundane as finding pleasure in the hapiness and affection of another. For doing evil can only be a product of pure selfishness.

I personally believe that there is a G-d. For one who believes in G-d the answer is obvious.

Who cares what everyone esle thinks? G-d see's everything and that's all that matters.

The problem with believers is that they don't always believe as much as they think they do... mainly b/c there is not an immediate comforting reaction. We can't see G-d nod His head in approval.. we can't feel Him put his hand on our shoulder, or whisper encouraging words in our ear. He doesn't apear and give us a big hug and then tell us how proud He is with all we are striving for. We can't see Him smile, or hear the words " I love you, my child". Its hard for any type of person to internalize something they can't see. I guess I was lucky that the realization of G-d's love did hit me in the face just a few days later in a most interesting way. With this realization also came the appreciation of all the unusual and abundant love I constanly feel from the people around me. It was as if my eyes had been opened and the mist totally cleared from my vision. I could see how trully blessed i am.

That caused me to look around and reassess my question.

What i discovered was simple but sometimes easy to overlook. The people who choose evil, wrong, pain, fear, lies, deception... they may get everything they want sometimes but they will never have what i have- Love.

Money, fame, power- they all fade and a person who once gloried in them, is left to feel alone and meaningless. Because friends can't be bought, as soon as the money runs out they are gone. Power corrupts and Fame misleads. These people, end up with no one. They never get to feel true love.

True love lasts but it takes commitment and sometimes a bit of maintenance. It takes caring about the people around you and stepping outside of yourself. It takes loving somebody and then keeping your heart open to feeling loved in return.

So essentially the answer to the question is that being good is not just about scoring brownie points in heaven- its about paving the way for G-d to give you everything that really matters. A priceless and irreplacable gift.

Personally, I've decided to embrace it.

Be good an be loved. I think that's a fair trade :)

Esdee Kay

On Feeling Alone

I wrote this poem at a time when I felt completely confused and frustrated. I was racking my brain for someone I could turn to- someone who would completely understand me.

It dawned on me, then, that nobody in the world has the exact genetic makeup, is living the exact day to day life, and is coming from the exact same background as me.

Therefore nobody can ever completely understand who I am, why I do the things I do, and what is going on in my head at any given time.

I guess it's the same for everyone else in this world. Because there is no one person on this earth who is living the exact same life as anyone else.

So this is for everyone who has ever known the feeling of being surrounded by people and yet completely alone.

Exactly Like Me

Nobody knows the way I feel,
What's in my heart- beyond its seal.

You'll never know the frustration within,
That burns me alive- not even my kin.

One can't unlock what's in my soul.
I can tell you, but still, you won't know.

I hate myself for which I speak,
A solution to this is what I seek.

Nobody holds the key to me,
So you'll never know the emotions that be.

That fester, and churn, and grown, and yearn
To get rid of them all, I wish to learn.

Why is it, there is no one, exactly as I am?
With whom I can speak, who will understand?

But I know that there will never be,
Someone who is... exactly like me.

Esdee Kay

On Death

A week ago, a newly wed woman in her younger twenties was tragically taken from this world. She had been driving in the early hours of the morning when the car flew across the ice and crashed.
She died on that morning, when just the night before she had been alive and vibrant, pulsing with breath and blood.
She had goals and dreams, ambitions and aspirations.
She was living a life that she believed would continue from day to day.
But she was wrong.


How does anyone accept such news?
How can anyone keep going through the motions as if nothing happened if for that second the shock penetrated and reverberated deep in their hearts.
If they said to themselves, 'That could have been me.'
or my spouse, or child, or friend.


How can we accept that a person who lived an essentially good life- a person who didn't steal, murder, or commit adultery, was just taken from this world without seeming cause or reason?
We believe that if we are good and try our hardest in this world than life will continue as it is.
I guess, reality doesn't always agree with us.


This tragic occurance should strike a chord deep within all of us.

For it shows that we never know what tomorrow will bring- if we will even be given the chance to ask forgivness, or forgive another.
To say hi to someone we love,
or tell them, 'i love you.'
To see another snowflake
or another bright sun, that signals a new day and the many new possibilities it brings.
In one second we can become nothing but the dust of the earth.
Dust doesn't get married or have kids;
doesn't watch sunsets and feel love.
It doesn't nurse the sick or give to someone for no other reason than to be kind.

So we'd better make today count so that we may merit a tommorrow.