Today I took a walk. It was a bit of a long walk… on which I contemplated the emptiness that has been taking over my life. I haven’t felt anything in weeks. The numbness is strange to me. I feel not angry, resentful, happy, sad, excited, fulfilled, relieved, anxious… nothing. Just- nothing. A flat line. I am flat-lining, plunging into a pit of nothingness. Everywhere I look is empty.
I know not who I am, or where I’m going, what I’m looking for nor what I want.
And yet- somehow, deep deep down, I know that this feeling of emptiness is a façade. It doesn’t exist… I have family, true friends, religion, goals, dreams, wants, needs. So this so-called ‘nothingness’ is merely a figment of my imagination, a mirage that my mind has conjured up to hide something else.
And although I don’t know for sure what that thing is… I have some ideas.
Hey there, Esdee
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Just a note on not knowing who you are or where you're going...
We can never know who we are, because we are complicated beings, we humans, full of contradictions and ranges of emotions. We are generous, and we are selfish; we are sweet, and we are bitchy; we are happy, and sad; we've got it all together, and we've got nothing together; and on and on. It's all part of being human, and anyone who says they know who they are, will in the next moment question it. So allow yourself permission to be human, to not know who you are, and to revel in being all that you are. And leave it at that.
As for knowing where you're going...same thing. To say "this is where I'm going" is to limit yourself, and box yourself in. Better to have a loose idea of your goals, and then allow yourself to be taken where your heart and mind and passion take you, and let the adventure unravel before you. As my grandma used to say "Don't think honey, just keep moving." And she lived a long, happy life. She believed ruminating was a waste of precious time (though we can't help it sometimes). Just open yourself up to the adventure that life is...keep moving through it, and relish every moment. And of course, keep writing, Esdee, because you're great at it!
Thank you. I can see that you are a wonderful writer too!! :) I really appreciated your pearls of wisdom! I have come to see that all you have said is true. But that's the point I guess, clarity comes mostly when you sit back and wait for it. Rather than half heartedly chasing after things that you don't know for sure are right.
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