Personal Quotes

I have been trying every day [or most days] to write a quote that describes or sums up what I learned or experienced that day. More likely than not, anyone who reads them will be able to relate to them on some level because human existence follows patterns. Struggles feel the same even in different time periods, different cultures, and Ethnicities. Here are some of the ones I wrote recently:

"If I knew I had forever to talk to you, then so many moments... I wouldn't need to." Esdee Kay

"Fear of punishment is scary, but not quite so terrifying as the inability to do so." Esdee Kay

"G-d did not grant us the ability to make promises just as He did not allow us to know our own futures." Esdee Kay

"Escaping the pain leaves you feeling hopeless and depressed, working through it leaves you insensitive, but expressing it leaves you hopeful." Esdee Kay

"Mistakes are inevitable, Stupidity is not." Esdee Kay

"Throwing yourself at love that is never accepted is like walking on a broken foot. Every step hurts anew and you know you should just take it easy but you can't because life doesn't stop moving and neither does your heart stop beating." Esdee Kay

I hope you can all feel me through these quotes and understand that though we may all be different, our hearts all beat the same. We all feel, and therefore we are not that different after all.
Esdee

Precious Night...

I want you...

Precious night, in danger, sleep

Sadness- call, but don’t you weep

Bring the bow down on the lamb

You’ll regret then who I am…

Silence- drink the world away

Walking dawn comes with delay

Take the breath that holds you fast

Don’t turn your eyes back to the last

Folding fields and spitting earth

Keep your shape or feel my dearth

Reel her in but drive love far

None more endearing than yonder star

Yes, I’ll sit waiting at its end

This isn’t me… s’all in my head.

The Mirage

Inside it, everything is glass, it glitters with promise. Everywhere you turn it is dripping with attraction, waiting for you. Even the broken edges and dark spots are calling you.

Inside it, the people look around at each other in confusion. Some take the role of leaders and begin to walk and mark their path, confident in their abilities. Others follow closely because they are trusting. Some stay behind and wait cautiously to see what will happen. All must keep moving or otherwise become lost… just another shadow, another crack in the glass, a part of the walls.

Inside it, when you look closely, the walls are made of burning souls and crying children. They are filled with blackened hearts and vicious fires. The spirited wind does not calm them, it only spurs them on.

Inside it, I open my eyes and I wish to see all. There must be something more… I begin to comb what is in my vision but all I see is emptiness, confusion, and unhappiness. But at a closer range, another layer begins to become clear to me.

Inside it, the floor is filled with patterns. They riddle every inch of its surface and it is obvious that there are many layers beneath. There is no screaming in this layer, only harmony and serenity. I want so much to fit into that world… but it is hard and immovable. I bang my fists upon it insistently, but it will not yield. How can I find something like this?

Inside it, I can see contrast. I must live above the floor and yet there must be a way to include it… But nobody takes notice… for it is just the floor and nothing else. It seems that I must make an effort in the world of glitter and glass even though it’s so obviously not right.

Inside it, I wonder. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Where am I supposed to go… where do I need to end up? And what happens at the end of that road? The answers are too vague- there must be something I am missing.

Inside it, I look deeper. One more direction I now can see. I am looking up. The sky is clear- it is infinite, and flawless. It is perfect. It does not need riddles to and patterns to show that it is perfect. Suddenly the truth becomes clear to me. The only place to go is up… but how? There is no way up, in fact- I am a slave to gravity. I stand impassively on the floor trying to find a way to accomplish what I know must be right. The answer is just out of reach, I feel alone.

Inside it, I sit down on that patterned floor and cry. I know that in order to pull myself into the sky I need to use the glass to make steps. But I am afraid to touch it… to see the pain on the faces behind the mirrors. I am afraid to become one of them.

I know that it is a mirage. I know that this is a matrix designed with extreme care. All I can do now is sit in the middle of the box He created and turn my face upward. I know that He is looking down into His box. He sees me looking back at Him and He knows my confusion. I ask Him for help… and I wait.

Love~Hate

If you believe that there is balance in the world then you have to believe that all opposite forces on this earth need to come from the same source; so too with love and hate. The two are intrinsically linked. Hate is actually an expression of love. Meaning: How deeply someone can hate another can only run as deeply as he loves them. (In the case of hating someone who harmed a person that you love, you can hate them only as much as you love the victim.)

Love and Hate are equally passionate emotions and how can you be passionate about something you couldn't care less about?

I pretty much have an interest in all things and tend to be a passionate person by nature, but one thing I have never had much interest in is cars.

Some people are obsessed with them, they know every make and model, how much each car costs and all its features and highlights…. I wouldn’t know a Jeep from a Ferrari.

As hard as you push me, I probably won’t end up in a passionately fought argument over a car with you. I couldn’t care less. If you say the car is a Ferrari, then I trust you. And if you’re wrong- I really couldn’t be bothered. ‘Whatever, say what you want about my car- tell me it’s a piece of crap for all I care, It won’t hurt me.’ It can’t hurt me- I don’t care enough to put my heart on it.

A real car lover, is going to rally back at you with every conceivable defense for the car in question. They will rant and rave and even bet money that they are right.

Not me… Because I don’t have enough positive passion to generate negative passion.

...because I don’t love enough to hate.

Because something I don't care about, can’t hurt me.

If I really don’t care even a little about impressing someone- if I don’t put my heart on them at all, I couldn’t care less what they think of me. There is nothing they can say that will hurt me.

They can say the meanest , most terrible thing, they can go against everything I believe in… and I may only defend as strongly as I care about the subject in question.

A small child has an enemy in class… why does he not like the other kid? Not because he simply hates the other… but because children naturally attempt to bond with the people around them, especially other children. So when this child tries to bond with his classmate but is met with obstinacy and rudeness… his emotions now transfer from Love= longing- wanting- hoping, to hate= frustration- pain- not understanding.

So too, people take for granted how much they are loved by others. Until a person hurts someone he loves and sees the pain flash across their eyes, he doesn’t recognize or appreciate how much that person must have loved him… trusted him, counted on him, expected from him.

You can’t be betrayed by someone you never trusted. And it would be stupid to trust someone who we know will betray us. Unfortunately, as humans, we are prone to doing just that.

This is why the deepest wound, the worst pain we could experience, is one inflicted by the ones closest to us… By the people we love.

These gashes run so deep that we sometimes can’t move on. People can die inside because of the trauma of pain they experience from a loved one. If a child who is abused by his parent had no affection for the abuser- or should we say trust even… expectations per say- then he is not going to have any lasting trauma from it. He will not lose faith and trust in humanity, he will not stop loving and reaching out to other people.

Only the child who loves the abuser and keeps hoping that somehow he will be able to win their love and affection, will be forever traumatized by the betrayal, disappointment, and pain.

And isn’t it the worst thing to find out that for the rest of your life, you can hate your ex-best friend for betraying your trust, more than you ever hated the suicide bomber responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent men women and children?

It’s pretty heavy… it makes you recognize the responsibility you are entrusted with in every relationship.

So, Keep your friends close- they could become your worst enemies.

Good Vs Evil

In movies, somehow, good always triumphs over evil. But in reality, this isn't so. Why is it that bad things happen to good people, and the bad people prosper? Why does one person sacrifice their entire world for something they believe in, and yet others are more than willing to change in order to stay comfortable. What gives them the right to nullify the self sacrifice of those who suffer in this world?

...Everything

This is why the human race is so powerful.

Every person born into this world- different but equal, has free will. He chooses his own path and walks it for as long as he lives. A person has the G-d given right to choose good over evil or evil over good.

I find myself saying to many people recently that I don't believe in the sage old saying, "Good things happen to good people". We see all around us bad people getting everything that they want... and we see good people going through earth shattering tragedies. If doing the wrong thing is not only more fun and exciting but also more prosperous, than why would anyone want to be good?

Recently I had ta major struggle with this question. It went a little deeper trhan just that.

My question was not just "why choose good", it was "why choose good when the people around you think that you are evil?"

If everyone thinks a person is a thief then its very easy for the person to tell themself that, for them, being good doesn't make any difference. 'I'm still a theif in their eyes.' He/she may be so hurt and under so much pressure that he/she simply chooses to live up to everyone's expectations of him.

So I was going through a bit of a life crisis which forced me to think about this question long and hard. Although i knew the answer all along I wasn't able to ready accept and internalize it until it hit me in the face.

The way I see it; One who does good only does it for one reason- because he or she believes that there is a greater purpose in this world. Whether or not they believe in G-d is irrelevant. But without a grain of uncertainty they believe that there is a some reason that they are doing what they do, something they gain from it.

Even if that purpose is as mundane as finding pleasure in the hapiness and affection of another. For doing evil can only be a product of pure selfishness.

I personally believe that there is a G-d. For one who believes in G-d the answer is obvious.

Who cares what everyone esle thinks? G-d see's everything and that's all that matters.

The problem with believers is that they don't always believe as much as they think they do... mainly b/c there is not an immediate comforting reaction.

We can't see G-d nod His head in approval..

we can't feel Him put his hand on our shoulder, or whisper encouraging words in our ear.

He doesn't apear and give us a big hug and then tell us how proud He is with all we are striving for.

We can't see Him smile, or hear the words " I love you, my child".

Its hard for any type of person to internalize something they can't see. I guess I was lucky that the realization of G-d's love did hit me in the face just a few days later in a most interesting way. With this realization also came the appreciation of all the unusual and abundant love I constanly feel from the people around me. It was as if my eyes had been opened and the mist totally cleared from my vision. I could see how trully blessed i am.

That caused me to look around and reassess my question.

What i discovered was simple but sometimes easy to overlook. The people who choose evil, wrong, pain, fear, lies, deception... they may get everything they want sometimes but they will never have what i have- Love.

Money, fame, power- they all fade and a person who once gloried in them, is left to feel alone and meaningless.

Because friends can't be bought, as soon as the money runs out they are gone.

Power corrupts and Fame misleads.

These people, end up with no one. They never get to feel true love.

True love lasts but it takes commitment and sometimes a bit of maintenance. It takes caring about the people around you and stepping outside of yourself. It takes loving somebody and then keeping your heart open to feeling loved in return.

So essentially the answer to the question is; being good is not just about scoring brownie points in heaven- its about paving the way for G-d to give you everything that really matters. A priceless and irreplacable gift.

Personally, I've decided to embrace it.

Be good and be loved. I think that's a fair trade :)

Esdee Kay

Nothingness

Today I took a walk. It was a bit of a long walk… on which I contemplated the emptiness that has been taking over my life. I haven’t felt anything in weeks. The numbness is strange to me. I feel not angry, resentful, happy, sad, excited, fulfilled, relieved, anxious… nothing. Just- nothing. A flat line. I am flat-lining, plunging into a pit of nothingness. Everywhere I look is empty.

I know not who I am, or where I’m going, what I’m looking for nor what I want.

And yet- somehow, deep deep down, I know that this feeling of emptiness is a façade. It doesn’t exist… I have family, true friends, religion, goals, dreams, wants, needs. So this so-called ‘nothingness’ is merely a figment of my imagination, a mirage that my mind has conjured up to hide something else.

And although I don’t know for sure what that thing is… I have some ideas.

Potential and Self Worth

There are many people in this world whom I, at times, fancy murdering. But there is only one person I could get… that their death would put a stop to all the pain.

Both an enemy… and a friend.

An ally….. and a terrorist.

I’m talking about me.

We are each our own worst enemies. We tear ourselves to ribbons with self doubt, poor self image, bad self esteem, phobia’s, fears of the unknown, new, or un-attempted…. and then when we’ve left ourselves nothing but a shell of who we could be- and afterward we walk away, resigned to a fate we subconsciously choose over the responsibility of greatness. We leave for ourselves the internal death of our glorious potentials, never even knowing that we had it.

And subsequently not knowing that we have the ability to restore what was.